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7-23, what’s that noise?

Shit – 7-23 – I’m late! Blasted alarm clock, why didn’t you–? Shit! Have I got time for a shave? I’ve got to have a shave, I can’t turn up looking like the Unabomber, this job’s important – why didn’t the blasted thing–? Batteries seem to be working fine, it’s keeping time anyway, why…? Sod it – fix it later, you need to shave!

What is that noise, though? Sounds like – oh, great, they’re digging up the street again! I don’t know why they don’t just keep a man down there at all times, underneath the tarmac, for every time anything goes, they could just radio down instructions– it’d be a damn sight more cost effective than having to dig it up and fill it in again every five—

Hot water’s taking a while to warm up this morning. Come on, we haven’t got all… Shit! What the…? Why is liquid manure coming out of my taps? Those fucking idiots – they must have hit the water main or… Shit – I can’t shave in this. I’ll have to take my gear, try and shave in the gents before the interview. That or tell them it’s some kind of religious thing – you think they’ll believe that? I’m going scruffy for God? You think they’ll–?

Bastards! Yeah, you in your sodding digger, why don’t you learn to do your flaming job right? This whole street’s taking a shower in lukewarm effluence this morning, all ‘cos you incompetent retards can’t dig in the right sodding—

“Scuse me, mate – do you mind moving your machine? Need to get my car out.”

That’s it, smile your little mongboy smile, Mr. One-evolutionary-step-up-from-three-day-old-potato-salad, and move that machine like the nice man asked you to, thank you kindly. And do something about those eyebrows, you look like the bastard lovechild of Liam Gallagher and Salma Hayek, you spluttering— Oh, put your radio down, you’re not fooling anybody you’re calling it back in to base camp, “Gotta move the digger, boss – resident going to work!” Arsehole.

“Cheers, mate!”

Cheer, mate! God, I despise myself sometimes. If only we lived in a world where the best way to get people to do something was simply to tell them to fucking do it, rather than all this bogus asking politely bullshit I have to go through every time I—

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